ATTACHMENT THEORY. WHAT’S YOUR STYLE?

One of the things that I loved the most about learning what it truly means to meditate was the deep dive into what makes us human. Understanding the relationship between ego and ourselves, attachment, authenticity (even though this has become a slightly tainted ‘it’ word!) and even our shadow self. Knowing how these things come to be, how we identify with them and just how complex they all are.

Now, I’ve only just started to dip into these concepts but I love how they shine a light onto our rather magnificent brains (and selves!) and just how outrageously complex creatures that we are.

Take how we create relationships with those around us. Family, friends, lovers… why we are attracted to certain people over others (romantically and not so much). Attachment Theory is helpful in providing insight into how we conduct ourselves and stems from developmental psychology. Why do some of us dive head first into relationships, why are others a little more cautious of commitment. Why do some of us drive ourselves crazy with jealous, insecurity and fear, and why are some of us completely nonchalant about it all. Now, don’t for a second think that this is as simple as reading a post like this and going “aha - that’s me” there is an incredible amount of psychological influences from our past and present - some of which we won’t even be aware of because it sits deep in our unconscious!

Attachment theory at its most basic is defined by three categories: anxious, avoidant and secure. It’s also worth mentioning that you can move from one to another (or even another!) you are not committed to one for your entire life.

Anxious

If you fall within the anxious category (keeping in mind that this is more a spectrum than an absolute!) then you may actually already be aware of this. You may find that you get wound up and in a spiral of over analysing every-single-little-thing! You may find that you are worried about how others see you, feel about you, talk about you. If someone doesn’t get back to you if can leave you riddled with self-doubt and an in-the-pit-of-your-stomach panic. You feel very deeply and can often seek validation from outside yourself.

There is also the ability for the anxious ones to fall into a nasty little habit of catastrophizing - this is something that I am extremely familiar with! - and using your talents to imagine a worst case scenario for everything and then causing yourself outrageous distress as you wait that disaster to befall you.

There can also be a tendency for self-sabotage and to absorb blame in its many forms. Think of this as a rather destructive self-preservation tactic.

Avoidant

If you fall into the avoidant category then you probably recognise this from many of the cliched movies / tv shows that show the avoidant as the highly predictable commitment-phobe. The one that refuses to be pinned down, that is rather skilled at ghosting, perhaps even that hot/cold routine. They will have stories that they lean on as to why the keep others at an arm’s length and may even feel a little self-righteous about it! This attachment style is a big hollywood earner!

Now, this doesn’t mean that if you are avoidant that you don’t want close connections, rather it’s just that you’ll hold on to your independence and space with a vice like grip.

Secure

Secure attachment is one that we are all seeking really, interestingly though, I often think about this like meditation - it can be rather misunderstood or end up feeling a little like a unicorn!

To fall into the secure category doesn’t mean that you are seeking perfection. It’s having a certain amount of awareness to know what it is that you need and those around you may need. Secure attachment starts with you, it’s not the perfect relationship. This is why I feel it can be trick.

It’s knowing that this style can and will act out, fall down and make mistakes but the validation will come from within and their baseline of emotions is a bit more of a straight line, not filled with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Think a priority on self-worth and self-assurance.

Why it’s useful to know where you sit

For me, I thought how I related to myself and to others was predestined and that I had very little control over it. I had many stories as to why I was like I was and that it was a like it and lump it sort of thing. I fell firmly in the Anxious camp and I was incredibly skilled at it. My ability to catastrophize was outrageous!

As I leaned into mindfulness and meditation I gained the ability to see my triggers, my behaviours and my thought patterns and take a step back, I could get a little space. What this then started to allow me was the ability to ask if what was happening was true. Now, I didn’t start doing this and I also didn’t even have this outcome on my checklist for meditating - it was a bi-product. It slowly happened and took time.

Knowing what your tendencies are means that you decide if that is how you want to see the world, your world.

What do you think that your style is? What stands out to you the most?