MINDFULNESS AND MUM GUILT
I’d never really thought about guilt when I thought motherhood. I don’t think that I’d noticed that it had even been spoken about until I’d had my children. Now, I hear it all the time, whether it’s spoken about in jest or it’s talked about as a necessary part of parenthood. Mum guilt - it’s everywhere!
Now I can also say that I’ve experienced it. It’s reared its ugly head more than a few times and I did come to think of it as something that you just lived with. I’ve started to see it a little differently though, in the same light that I do my internal chatter. It’s taken some time but it has helped enormously. Left unchecked, the guilt can seep into everything and it doesn’t have to.
Like a lot of things like this, I believe that there is a survival element to it. Afterall, it probably kept our offspring alive in our early human history. I also think that many of us have less of a ‘tribe’ now when raising babies. It’s become more of a nuclear family as we have moved into our modern worlds, because of this, I think that we don’t get that vital feedback from others when we are dealing with complex things like guilt. You then chuck in sleep deprivation, lack of exercise and busy, over-crowded minds… you get the picture!
WHAT EVEN IS MUM GUILT
Well, I think of it as a guilt that springs up any time that a mum (actually it can be either parent but here I’m talking from my experiences) wants or needs to do something for themselves that impacts the kids. This could look taking them with you when you need to do something, meaning that they may miss out on something - or someone else needs to step in to help because you can’t be there. The end result is the mum feeling like they are being a crappy parent because their complete focus isn’t 100% on their kids.
Now, where this kind of thinking can get a little sticky is that the mum then doesn’t look after themselves, the drop to the bottom of the pile. This can lead to a loss or shift in identity, self-worth and can impact on mental health.
WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU GET HIT WITH MUM GUILT?
So what do you do if you are struggling with mum guilt? If it’s holding you back and stopping you from not only looking after yourself but from going for the things that you want.
First of all, I think that it is worth saying that a happy mum will help their child to be happy. I know from my own experience that when I’m happy, confident in myself, when I see myself as being important that I am in a great place for my kids too. I’m not operating from a low ‘tank’ and I’m able to function well.
The second thing is awareness - do you even realise that you are feeling guilty? Us mums can get so busy, so overwhelmed that we don’t even realise what or how we are feeling.
Ultimately, the place to start if you realise that you are dealing with mum guilt is with love and compassion. It’s ok to have whatever feelings that you have, but you do need to know how to navigate those feelings.
SAY HELLO TO MINDFULNESS
First it’s worth mentioning what mindfulness. It’s consciously being in the present moment. Focused. Aware. Not future tripping or ruminating on the past. Mindfulness is a way in which you can be in the present moment. A toolbox of sorts.
Mindfulness gives you the ability to be in the now, because of this guilt doesn’t really get a hold because your mind isn’t able to time travel. You can see what is happening in front of you clearer, enabling you to make the best decisions for that moment in time.
Living mindfully also means that you can feel your feelings, navigate them and to be able to see what it is that you need without numbing or unhelpful thoughts and behaviours.
HOW DO YOU GET MINDFULNESS
There are many ways and here are some of my top tips.
Get sleep. I know that this is far, far easier said than done. It is so important though to keep working on it, whatever that looks like to you. Sleep, or a lack of sleep with greatly shape how you feel and see your world.
Rest. If you can’t sleep, know how you can rest. For me, this often looked like long walks with my babies in a pram. I’d pound the pavement and rest my mind. Sunshine, fresh air and movement was a balm to a overcrowded and frazzled mind. I’d stay off social media too!
Meditation. Is a wonderful mindfulness tool. Seated and walking are my fav’s! A body scan is also a great way to work out what is going on for you.
Writing. Write down everything that is in your head. Some mums I’ve worked with feel a little fear when it comes to writing out their thoughts but please don’t. It gets them out of your head and leaves space for what you really need.
Shower by candle light. This is my favourite thing to do with an overwhelmed mind in the evenings. Activate your senses, add a body scan, and take note of what is actually on your mind.
Mum guilt is a very real thing but it doesn’t need to rule your life. Moving to becoming in tune with your emotions, thoughts, words, behaviours can help you to check in with yourself more often. It moves from formal practice (like on the meditation mat) to your every day.
Mindfulness has given me the ability to notice when my body reacts to stress, to stop, check-in with myself and then work out what I need. You can’t always do what you need immediately BUT you can treat yourself a little more sensitively!
This all sounds great and relatively easy but it’s not and it does take time and practice. So small steps. Work out what you like and don’t like and build up your self-knowledge. What does your body feel like when you’re being hit by a case of the mum guilts? What thoughts come up? What stories do you start to create?
If you want to try it out, come sit with me or join one of my events.