TO DRINK, OR NOT TO DRINK
Actually, that’s a really great question!
So, like many I’d have to say that looking back through the years, my relationship with alcohol has been a mixed bag and dare I say it, rather complicated.
I was incredibly lucky and grew up in a family where we talked about alcohol, I was allowed to try it at home (sensibly!) and it wasn’t taboo. It took a lot of the fascination away - which I am outrageously grateful for. As I moved through my 20’s and into my 30’s, again like many, I was in a social setting of ‘work hard, play hard’. Sound familiar? Work was a huge drinking environment and, let’s just say that it was enlightening! I threw myself in with gusto! I also had great times. Then times became not so great.
Somewhere down the line, I’m not sure quite when, I realised that I was drinking as much to numb as to have fun. It was the first thing that I’d do after work, when I got home. I’d had a full on day, I deserved it. It wasn’t an outrageous amount. It was often even the low alcohol variety - these are the things that I’d tell myself. It wasn’t a problem either, because like I said, it wasn’t a large amount - I’d ignore that it was rare I’d go a day without a drink. I was also very ‘normal’ in this. I certainly wasn’t an abnormality amongst my friends or colleagues.
It was becoming pregnant that things changed. It was a forced detox, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a detox like this other than the odd ‘Dry July’ which would be done with mock cries of “how on earth will I cope for a whole month!”. Interestingly, once I’d got my head around the habit, going alcohol free wasn’t an issue. I had purpose, once people knew I was pregnant there was also no stigma to not standing around with a glass in my hand. I actually loved it. I slept better than I had in years. The low level anxiety that seemed to be a constant friend (or foe) melted away. I was enthralled with eating better and exercising. I was thinking quicker, more creatively (preggo brain? Not here!). It was a great time. After pregnancy and breastfeeding, well things got a little weird.
After a bit of time I slipped back into old habits - far less than before, but there felt an expectation to jump back in - lest I be accused of being the boring-one-with-baby! I even remember going out for dinner at a rather posh restaurant here in Auckland and the bartender scoffed at the unfortunate non-drinkers as we waited for our table. I started laughing but it suddenly didn’t feel all that funny…
As I realised that drinking and infants with their nightly schedules didn’t mix very well at all, I decided to go for a year without. A full year. It was a relatively easy decision because I was liking me-the-next-morning-after-a-few-drinks less and less. I was SO grumpy and snippy! I stocked up on Seedlip, which I’d been lucky to discover whilst pregnant and threw myself into my latest challenge (I really do love a challenge!). Staying at home, that was easy and even prompted a rather glowy, self righteousness. Going out though, ergh. That wasn’t so fun. Firstly, the options were sugary or felt like I was in high school. I was self-conscious and others noticed - how much that was me vs societal expectations, I’m still unsure. If I mentioned that I wasn’t drinking, it would often prompt a surprisingly aggressive response in some. Either a sneering questioning or almost exasperation. I certainly wasn’t judging others choices (after my 20’s and early 30’s there was no-way that I’d pass any judgement).
I realised that I needed to look internally for the feelings that it threw up, there were a lot of them too. Being a meditation teacher was a great place to be in. I think a lot of fellow meditators (at least this is my experience) were more than happy to explore complicated feelings and conversations. To give their thoughts and to give me the space to explore my own thoughts (gosh, this seems simple but is one of the MOST important things with any trickster thought patterns!). It’s actually taken me a couple of years, a lot of dissection to work out where I am with alcohol. I’m on the middle path. I rarely have an alcoholic drink. I make sure that when I do, I know why I’m doing it. I make sure that I’m doing it because I want to. That I’m not numbing. When I drink, I do so consciously. I don’t say this with the self righteousness that I mentioned before, because I’ve been humbled MANY times with this subject. I say it because it’s something that I never thought that I’d do.
The increase of non-alcoholic drinks has made this a very easy decision too - non-alcoholic wines, cocktails, beers … there have come a LONG way and are easily accessible now. I get the ceremony without the regret and that works perfectly for me. Is it less taboo, I’m unsure. It’s interesting watching the next generations coming up. Listening to celebrities and personalities talk about what they do is also extremely important because it starts a conversation and that I think is what changes everything.
I was lucky to be able to have conversations when I was much younger and I think that this is what I want to make sure is possible for my kids, family and friends. It all starts with awareness and it all unravels with conversations!
So what do you think? To drink, or not to drink?
Or somewhere in between…