Understanding triggers, it’s a human experience
Triggers. We all have them, it’s impossible not to. The thing is, that some of us have learnt how to live with more than others.
I’ve been thinking about triggers a fair bit recently, for a couple of reasons. It is one of the topics that I talk about when I am running my AIM Foundations: Learn to Meditate and it’s also a topic that comes up a LOT when I’m chatting to clients, friends and family. I’ve also loved the fact that I’ve been exploring triggers for the last 14 months because holey, moley do I get triggered! No matter how much I do the work, triggers are going to come up. Now, this doesn’t mean it will always be the same triggers, they will come and go as I come to understand them and work through them. I do know though, that because I am human, I will have triggers for as long as I am on this earth. It’s a part of life! There is some great news though, you don’t have to have explosive reactions to these tricky triggers! I will share my secrets.
WHAT IS A TRIGGER??
Ok, let’s start at the beginning - what even is a trigger? Perhaps you’ve heard that word thrown around but not 100% what I’m talking about.
A TRIGGER IS AN EMOTIONAL REACTION THAT CAUSES A FLASHBACK TO SOMETHING THAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE PAST.
It’s not something that just sits in your mind. It’s a physical thing too. Now, I will let you in on something, those that are close to me know this well! I have always been ruled by my triggers. I would get hit by a trigger, and there would be a tidal wave of fear, shame, anger, confusion, sadness even frustration that would rush through and consume me. My stress response would flare up, my body would be flooded with cortisol and it was on! This would happen so fast that I wouldn’t always know what had hit me and there was no way that I would be thinking clearly. Flooded with stress and emotions I would then react in ways I would always regret and would have to deal with the aftermath. It’s not a great place to live in, for me, for those that I love or those that I didn’t even know! It is only in the last 4 years that I would say that I’ve made peace with them and i’ve started to take the time to understand them. Trust me, even though it may not feel like it now, this is a rollercoaster that you can get off.
Interestingly I was convinced that this was who I was. I wasn’t the only one in my family like this so, hey, it’s hereditary right? Nope! Not true. This is something that you can get to grips with and you can learn how to live with your triggers safely (for you and those around you!!). Let’s take a deeper look at these emotional charges shall we?
We are incredibly survival machines that have virtually stayed the same for over 15,000 years! Did you know that it takes a minuscule 0.0000001 of second for one of your senses (smell, sight, touch, taste, sound) to spark up a physical sensation within your body - say hello to your trigger! This is insanely fast and more often than not, we are completely unaware that this is evening happening. It’s so fast that we miss the queues!
LIVING WITH TRIGGERS
Ok, so understanding the trigger is great but what do we do with them? Let’s be honest, we will never be able to stop the triggers around us. Just as we are human, so are others. We will get caught up in stressful situations and we will sometimes be in scary or stressful situations. Trying to remove yourself from them will only cause more heartache. The key, is to learn how to interpret and react to them.
Let me share one of my experiences with you.
When my youngest was a little younger we were in the supermarket and he was being a toddler and doing what toddlers do. He was reaching into the trolley and biffing items out - less than ideal, I could already feel my stress levels rising.
An older gentleman walked over as I was telling my little one not throw all the items that he could get his hands on out of the trolley, he then started to tell me about all the ways that I should let him be a toddler and to let him have a little fun - “don’t be a mean mum”. Now, I’m going to add a disclaimer here - looking back, he was just being kind. It was at the end of one of our lockdowns here he was more than likely trying to actually diffuse the situation - but I wasn’t in a space to see that, rightly or wrongly.
You see, I was sparked, no, I was fairly electric at this point! My partner came over and could see that I was emotionally charged (I think that anyone in the supermarket could feel it at that moment!!) and asked what was going on. After I had explained, he made the comment that it wasn’t that bad. I was off like a firework!
Here’s the thing. These are the moments that you can learn the most in. I’ll be honest. At that point in time I wasn’t ready to hear anything at all. I had the stories and the emotions that were running through me, and no one really wants to be confronted in the moment. BUT, there is a big but. When this happens, when you feel those emotions flooding your body, you can get back in the driver’s seat.
Now when I get triggered I will do my best to get a little space (I’ve named it La Pause - I find that having a sense of humour with calling things out works really well for me, have fun with these things, whatever that looks like for you!), I walk away, going somewhere else whenever I can - if you can’t then take some deep breaths and come back to it. I will then get into the moment. Deepen my breath. Breathe in, breathe out. Close my eyes. Turn inward.
Start by actually leaning in and feeling the sensations. Cool everything down by moving yourself out of that red-zone. Slowing down your breath will help, as will placing your hands over your heart and connecting back to you. Tell yourself that you are safe, that you will work this out and that your ok. Notice where you can feel the different sensations in the body. What they are doing. What do they feel like. Then ask the following questions:
What is it that I am feeling? What is the emotion that is coming up?
What caused my trigger? Is it real? I’ll be honest, rarely is it true!
What do the sensations and the emotions remind me of? When did I first feel like this?
What am I making this mean for me? Why does it matter?
What do I need? How can I give this to myself?
Triggers are a huge part of life, there’s no getting around them. The key to living with them is knowing how to be your own friend in these situations - it sounds like a cliche but if you can’t trust yourself to step down from the ledge, you can’t expect anyone else to.
I’ve come to look at these situations as an opportunity to check back in, they aren’t bad, they are signals. Your job is to learn to translate these messages and work out what’s needed. Trust me, if you flex these outrageous muscles, that you 100% do have, your self-worth, self-confidence will sky rocket in ways you’d never expect.